What do I say after I tell someone, “I am so sorry for your loss?”
Gene’s and my life changed forever after the sudden, unexpected passing of Renee, our healthy, vibrant 28-year-old daughter who is now with Jesus. Heartache, devastation and numbness followed the loss of this precious daughter–not just in the moment but for weeks and months afterwards. Our family went through the motions of doing what we had to do – going to work, attending church, managing to sit down for a meal. Yet, numbness prevailed. There was no life, no joy, no ability even to imagine life without Renee. Though we did not understand why this could happen, our faith carried us.
Thankfully, we found GriefShare, a thirteen-week national program, available through Christian churches. As a part of this program, we realized that my husband, Gene, and I expressed our grief differently. Gene, an introvert, processed internally and quietly listened to all that was shared. For me, every week was a gift because I was able to share my own memories and experiences of Renee openly. Together we began to heal.
When the funeral is over and the flowers have faded, life goes on…for everyone except those grieving. Unlike us, they continue to get up, go to work, go to dinner or go off to Disney World and have a great time. That’s ok. People don’t know what to say after they say, “I am so sorry.” As we spoke to some of Renee’s friends, their recalling stories about Renee was exactly what we loved and needed to hear. It also allowed me to share. I could listen and be comforted. Without these interactions, life would have been very lonely.
GriefShare allowed us to walk through our grief in a healthy manner. It was such a powerful healing experience to hear and be heard among like-minded people. Walking through the grief journey from mourning to finally feeling joy often takes several years or more. It certainly did with us.
When Renee passed away to be with Jesus, I thought the grief journey would never end. And now I know it won’t. I am sure those of you who lost a close loved one have felt something similar. Along the way, you will reach some degree of acceptance. I chose to interview Renee¹s friends and colleagues to hear about some of their amazing adventures and close relationships. I included these conversations in my book. Astonishingly, I learned more about my daughter after she was gone than when she was with me. I thought I knew everything about her as her mother, but what I learned from people whose lives she touched changed me forever. I still feel the loss, but always with a sense of joy about Renee’s life. She sowed love and encouragement everywhere she went, like Johnny Appleseed!
It was so healing for me to hear about Renee¹s kindness, her humor, her dedication, her openheartedness, her passion for people in all she did. Hearing those stories was beyond belief! So many of them answered my prayers in ways beyond what I could have imagined, answers to many years and buckets full of prayers!
Writing the book Whispers from Heaven…Then she was gone was not easy, but it was a practical and tangible way to record these memories. I was greatly enriched by the process. I know my period of extreme grief would have been prolonged had I not sought and heard these stories. I am pleased that those who shared seemed also to be encouraged and find meaning in doing so.
When you find yourself in a grieving situation, I suggest that you initiate a conversation with those who knew your loved one. Ask them to relate their experiences. You will be the richer, more at peace and feel blessed for having done so.
I hope you now will feel comfortable sharing experiences with a grieving friend.
“I remember when we went to …… She was so ……when we did …… together, we….”
I am honored to be able to share my perspective with you. I hope it helps people through their grieving process.
If you have thoughts to share about Renee or your own loved one, I would be happy to pray for you.
Reflections on our beloved daughter’s life
These are remarks by Gene, Renee’s father, at our First Anniversary Celebration of her Life.
I would like to share some reflections about Renee’s life and the year since her death.
Renee came into our life on May 26, 1982. Unlike Mark, she wasted no time from announcing it was time to appear until she actually did appear. Maybe we should have recognized that as a sign for the rest of her life – when she wanted something she could figure out how to make it happen – and do it now. Not in a bad way (at least most of the time) – just figuring out how to get it done.
- If she thought the family should go somewhere or do something – like going skiing or adopting a cat – she would help overcome my “objections and considerations” by offering her “suggestions”.
- If she wanted to do something herself, like swimming or playing soccer, she worked hard to be the best she could be.
- Later – she just did it, like being in the Mixed Martial Arts program or going on a trip to Peru with her best friend Jacqueline.
Even though I had concerns about some of her activities, they reflected who she was and were a blessing to her. The funny part was – she was usually right and it worked out even though there were a few “bumps in the road”.
Personally, I have seen God’s hands over the years. For instance, every time Renee had an urgent need and called for advice, she was able to reach me even though I was in unusual places or in places where I usually couldn’t get cell phone reception. But her calls always came through. At other times, I was just in the right place at the right time.
- On 9/11, she was at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs and I was in Toronto for a meeting, but she was able to reach me to talk about what had happened and tell me about the responses at the Academy.
- The week before she died, I was at our cabin in Tincup, Colorado and traveled home the night before she died. If I had still been in Colorado, it would have taken at least a day to get home to be with Karyl.
- On Sunday when she did collapse and die, it was God’s providence that I was in the house and found her almost immediately. Although it made no difference in the medical outcome, it was so much better than someone coming home later and finding her, then having to live with a nagging doubt about whether it would it have been different had they been there.
Renee was a gift to us for 28 years. When the gift was finally snatched away, I began to more fully understand the gift that she had been to all of us.
So, what now?
So how did we and how do we go on living after her death? One of the things that helped me initially was looking to see what other people said. In a book by a father whose 25 yr old son died in a mountain climbing accident, he reflected:
- It is the neverness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us. When we’re all together, we’re not all together. I will not find her, only her absence.
That is one of the feelings I am living with daily.
- In a grief share group at church, we were reminded:
- “It hurts so much because your hopes and dreams have died.” and
- “If there were no love, there would be no grieving.” (Zig Ziglar)
For us, it was a sudden and unexpected shock, but for God it was known from before she was conceived and he has been preparing her, those around her and us for such a time as this. I must remember that we can see only the “here and now”, but God can see the entire picture from the beginning of the universe to eternity.
- For reasons known only to God, Renee was called to be with him last year. Although I cannot understand it, there is no untimely or unexpected death for God. God planned and prepared for Renee to join him at just the right time.
It is not for me to question the path that the Lord has chosen for me, but simply to trust Him. God doesn’t give me what I want but He gives me what is best.
- In Proverbs, it says: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)
- In Isaiah, the Lord says: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9):
So, what can we learn from Renee’s life?
Renee left her gifts of life and joy, humor and fun, compassion and fairness, assertiveness and determination, a sense of purpose and many other gifts to inspire and motivate her friends, co-workers and all of those she came into contact with. This transpired even in the face of what frustrated and irritated her. It is hard to imagine how she managed to balance these emotions as she worked to help and encourage all of those around her. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for others, she had personally experienced the unforgiving and unjust side of life at times; she wanted to prevent that from happening to others.
It is hard when we think about what is missing – not being able to talk to her, no more time together in Tincup or with the puppies, and so many other things. It is hard to believe that her life ended this way, but we have been blessed by the support and comfort provided by family and friends. It has been inspiring to hear of the differences that she made in the lives of so many people, things that we had not previously known. It has been said, “Store your memories, but allow yourself to move on”.
So, it comes down to “what can I learn” and “what should I do” from these reflections on Renee’s life. In other words, what can God teach me? I pray that God has the patience to continue to guide me and that he will bless and guide each of you as we search for the answer to those questions.